My mother died in Oct 2012. This was after nearly 60 years of marriage with Baba. Theirs was a love marriage, in that era, a college romance!! So my father’s constant refrain daily was ” Why did Pramila leave me all alone?” “I cannot live without her”. Our words of solace went unheard. How does one explain the uncertainty & unfairness of life? After a couple of weeks, Baba created a different challenge for all his children. Individually he would accost his 3 daughters & my wife, his daughter-in-law , & me , his only son, with a constant ask “I want to move to an old age home”. He was living with my eldest sister who, with her husband, took great care of him. My sisters’ daughters & 4 grandchildren never let him feel lonely. Me & my wife would visit him at my sister’s place multiple times a week. Still, his demand was strident. ” I want to go to an old age home”.
We had a war council meeting! All 3 sisters, eldest brother-in-law, my wife & me. How do we convince Baba that what he asks for is just not on?? Having lived in large houses & enjoyed a good life (maybe not lavish, but never missing out anything) our worry was : how would he adjust in an Vruddhashram? Space would be limited at best or shared at worst: not at all how he had lived for 80+ years hitherto. Moreover Baba was hard of hearing, a hereditary problem for Shirodkars! So in a new place with strangers, how would he manage? Physical issues apart, the sheer social “stigma” of putting your parent in an old old age home. लोग क्या कहेंगे? With 4 children, all well off, capable of taking him into their house…how did Sr. Mr. Shirodkar end up in a old age home?? How cruel & ungrateful children!! after all that the parents did for them, brought them to this stage, & how they repay!!! Fie!!! किसी पर भरोसा नहीं कर सकते!!! ad infinitum.
But my father (after all, MY father) was adamant. so after multiple failed attempts of trying to convince him, it was decided that Padma, my eldest sister, & Vinita, my wife, would take Baba around to check out some old age homes to explore the feasibility of the राजहट …the royal unrelenting desire. Together they traversed Mumbai, Thane, Karjat, Wada, Lonavala, Kamshet, Talegaon, Dehu, Pune , Satara, Kolhapur & in between. Nothing appealed: Somewhere the facility was run down. Somewhere there was only shared acco. Somewhere food was pathetic. Elsewhere no dedicated support staff, which would be required as my father could not hear any bells or announcements. The search continued. As well as parallel efforts to convince Baba this was not a good idea. But the old man was firm. I want to go to an old age home was his strident call.
In retrospect, becoming wiser after the event, I realize our objections & efforts to convince him not to go were misdirected. In the interim period I have seen many senior couples openly discussing this option with their grown up children. Children are working/living abroad or stationed far away with their own challenges in being able to extricate themselves from their routine. So the oldies are left to fend for themselves or rely on family friends or distant relatives who happen to live in the same town. Progressively the ability of such tertiary contacts to support starts drying up; & we are back to square 1. In such cases it is common to hear about the seniors themselves deciding to check themselves in to Senior Assisted Living (modern euphemism for Old age homes).
The builders’ lobby are now seeing this as a growing market with discretionary income increasing both of the seniors & their children. Excellent facilities now dot all the holiday locations like Goa, Coimbatore, Coorg, Panchgani, Khandala & the like where the modern, well appointed alternatives for assisted living are coming up. These places boast of all the facilities one can dream of: Doctor on call, full time Nurses, Canteens which are more like restaurants, Heated swimming pools, Ambulance on call, Gym, Library, Laundry, House cleaning services, weekly shopping trips, tie up with hospitals, all indoor-game tables, Meditation halls etc. Most of these are located in pollution free environs & have on-roll professionally trained care-givers. The more luxurious the facility the lesser the guilt for the children earning in dollars; whose only constraint is giving time. Here is an option where you know your parent will be looked after well, possibly much more professionally & better than if they had to fend for themselves or worse be dependent on some distant relative/family friend.
The biggest USP these Vruddhashrams’ offer is companionship of like-minded, similar aged people who are travelling the same path & have common issues/problems. And the importance of this “sailing in same boat, & with similar experiences & issues” just cannot be underestimated. However much you love your parent, there is a “generation gap” separating you two. Possibly, at that stage, this gap gets exacerbated. Conversely in the old age home, the parent finds himself in like-minded, similarly placed “company” & that companionship is possibly his/her most important need, at that time. Possibly I will be accused of blasphemy but I venture to say the old parent may actually be happier in the old age home, transforming the Vruddhashram to an Anandashram, a happy home.
In these homes, there is space/privacy & yet there is companionship. Some of the other clear wins over traditional homes are: Safety & care, a sine qua non. Regular timely attention ensures no one forgets their medicine dosage. Periodic monitoring of diabetes and/or BP. Emergency medical help is available immediately when required which with the regular health check-ups helps better health management. A big mental safety net & support of like minded people which boosts confidence, as well as, the will to live. Many facilities run hobby centers encouraging craft & art. Besides creativity, this also supports networking & social interaction. Residents do not feel lonely or alienated, emphasizing positivity & good health, both mental as well as physical. Finally, in a curious twist, old age homes may give more control on their personal life to the golden oldies. They can truly experience individual freedom, sans responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, etc. All pedestrian needs are taken care of & they are free to participate in any social, religious or cultural activities of their choice. All this adds to the happiness index & consequently better health, mental & physical.
I am sure you have now understood why I call these as Anand Ashram rather than Vruddhashrams. I end with a plea. Pl learn from our experience & let us change our mindset around assisted living for seniors. We should encourage this option so that the seniors as well as the families can be happier: vikas
PS1 Baba died 6 weeks after Aai with the refrain of मी एकटा राहिलो (I am alone) on his lips. He had no physical ailment. Just gave up his will to live without his wife. Question which will dog me till I die: would he have been happier in an Anandashram?? & lived longer???
PS2 A close friend Nitin Charekar is actively associated with Ashtha Foundation, Aurangabad. This blog owes a lot to him
Vikasblog 