I remember in the New Empire cinema hall there was a long passage, parallel to the back of the auditorium. When you traversed the entire length, you came to the Canteen counter which served tea and delicious samosas for patrons at interval. Opposite the canteen counter, was a large, full wall painting done in characteristic Mario Miranda style. It showed a scene of a movie being shot. The whole wall was crowded with clap boys, make-up artists, spot boys, people holding reflectors, assistant directors, camera men, dialogue prompters, hangers on and, of course, the Director in his chair. In front of them all, was a hero and a heroine getting ready to enact a romantic scene. And the hero, oblivious to the sea of humanity surrounding them, looking soulfully in the herioine’s eyes says, ” Alone….alone, at last!” The irony of the comment and the picture never left me, though I must have seen the drawing 50 years ago!
I feel exactly like that just now! It is the festival & holiday season. And anybody worth their salt are on vacation. Some in the hills, some at the beach, and yet others in transit. I am alone at home. Wistful. Missing all. Relatives and Friends all far away. And I : Lonely. Miserable. Monarch of all the emptiness I survey around me. Engulfing, throttling, all pervasive silence.
Nida Fazli sang corrrectly: ग़म हो कि ख़ुशी दोनों कुछ देर के साथी हैं
फिर रस्ता ही रस्ता है हँसना है न रोना है…
दुनिया जिसे कहते हैं जादू का खिलौना है
मिल जाये तो मिट्टी है खो जाये तो सोना है
{Translation: Whether pain or joy, both are companions for a while
Later it is just the long road; no laughter, no tears What we call as the world is a magical toy
If found it is earthen, if lost it is golden}
All who were going away asked me to accompany them. It was my decision to stay back. Be alone. In love with my solitude. I must understand the depth & beauty of my loneliness as: अच्छा-सा कोई मौसम तन्हा-सा कोई आलम
हर वक़्त का रोना तो बेकार का रोना है. {You need a good season and some quiet moments
Complaining every moment is a futile complaint}
When I am so confused, I take heart in Simone de Beauvoir’s words: ,” I am awfully greedy; I want everything from life. I want to be a woman and to be a man, to have many friends and to have loneliness, to work much and write good books, to travel and enjoy myself, to be selfish and to be unselfish… You see, it is difficult to get all which I want. And then when I do not succeed I get mad with anger” This reassures me that the भीड़ के बीच अकेला feeling which so many film songs allude to, is indeed a reality. Even in this space, I am not alone!!! I have every right to be “mad with anger” a la Simone, and continue to feel ambivalent about the cards that Life is dealing me. Being in the game, I need to carry on, feel engaged and play my cards to the best of my ability till the Grim, Solitary Reaper arrives and I move to another table, another game. फिर रस्ता ही रस्ता है हँसना है न रोना है!!
The basic problem is ambivalence. The fact that I do not know what I want: Be alone OR be in company? Society OR Solitude? But as I experience my present time, being alone… I must confess, I feel happy & good. No adjusting your needs and demands to fit in with someone. Freedom from pressures. Do what you please. Float above the sea of expectations. Go Under OR Stay Afloat. Suddenly it dawns on me….I am happy!! Misanthrope & Masochist that I am, I actually like my own company I can stay away from forced festivities and feel morally superior that I am diffrent. Do rituals and prayers, midnight masses and congregations actually alleviate your loneliness? Or do they just deaden your real feelings? You get so caught up in the rituals and cacophony of others around you that your inner rebellious child is silenced. Rather, let it cry out aloud! I am happy with that misery. and loneliness!! But then I get reminded of the words of Honoré de Balzac, “Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.”
Possibly there is no clear answer to even this human dilemma! In another context Arthur C Clarke puts it succintly, “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”. My introspection just now is prompted by being alone in festive times, but then each and every one of us must face this question openly and squarely. Are you comfortable with your solitude? Do you like to be alone? Not surrounded by books. Not using books, and others thinking, as the first line of defence. But genuinely with your own thoughts, views and opinions. Not drowning your feelings with loud songs and music. Or a drink or two. Taking time off to just be. Savouring your own company. Happy under your own skin. Holding your own self dear. Jean-Paul Satre warns, “If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.” Accept, Acknowledge, Admire : that is the Grand Path to overcome all adversities.
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If you think about it closely, all great things, all precious things are lonely. Remember Steinbeck in Of Mice & Men,” “Maybe ever’body in the whole damn world is scared of each other.” But then so what? The road less travelled is worth exploring. Maybe after a short torturous walk we will open into the Valley of Flowers. Pursue it.
Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love puts it beautifully,” When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”
I am reminded of another great ghazal of Ghulam Ali:
किया है प्यार जिसे हम ने ज़िन्दगी के तरह
वो आशना भी मिला हम से अजनबी के तरह … बढ़ा के प्यास मेरी उस ने हाथ छोड़ दिया
वो कर रहा था मुरव्वत भी दिल्लगी के तरह {translation: I loved him like life itself But that lover met me like a stranger He increased my thirst but then abandoned me He was showing affection too like a joke)
To end, remembering Joseph Conrad: We Live as we Dream…..alone: vikibaba
PS My biggest critic, my wife, on reading the draft said too many quotes…..maybe I am trying to reassure myself that I am not alone on the dark side of the moon? many other greater human beings think alike. And so the quotes.
Vikasblog 