My mother died in Oct 2012. This was after nearly 60 years of marriage with Baba. Theirs was a love marriage, in that era, a college romance!! So my father’s constant refrain daily was ” Why did Pramila leave me all alone?” “I cannot live without her”. Our words of solace went unheard. How does one explain the uncertainty & unfairness of life? After a couple of weeks, Baba created a different challenge for all his children. Individually he would accost his 3 daughters & my wife, his daughter-in-law , & me , his only son, with a constant ask “I want to move to an old age home”. He was living with my eldest sister who, with her husband, took great care of him. My sisters’ daughters & 4 grandchildren never let him feel lonely. Me & my wife would visit him at my sister’s place multiple times a week. Still, his demand was strident. ” I want to go to an old age home”.
We had a war council meeting! All 3 sisters, eldest brother-in-law, my wife & me. How do we convince Baba that what he asks for is just not on?? Having lived in large houses & enjoyed a good life (maybe not lavish, but never missing out anything) our worry was : how would he adjust in an Vruddhashram? Space would be limited at best or shared at worst: not at all how he had lived for 80+ years hitherto. Moreover Baba was hard of hearing, a hereditary problem for Shirodkars! So in a new place with strangers, how would he manage? Physical issues apart, the sheer social “stigma” of putting your parent in an old old age home. लोग क्या कहेंगे? With 4 children, all well off, capable of taking him into their house…how did Sr. Mr. Shirodkar end up in a old age home?? How cruel & ungrateful children!! after all that the parents did for them, brought them to this stage, & how they repay!!! Fie!!! किसी पर भरोसा नहीं कर सकते!!! ad infinitum.
But my father (after all, MY father) was adamant. so after multiple failed attempts of trying to convince him, it was decided that Padma, my eldest sister, & Vinita, my wife, would take Baba around to check out some old age homes to explore the feasibility of the राजहट …the royal unrelenting desire. Together they traversed Mumbai, Thane, Karjat, Wada, Lonavala, Kamshet, Talegaon, Dehu, Pune , Satara, Kolhapur & in between. Nothing appealed: Somewhere the facility was run down. Somewhere there was only shared acco. Somewhere food was pathetic. Elsewhere no dedicated support staff, which would be required as my father could not hear any bells or announcements. The search continued. As well as parallel efforts to convince Baba this was not a good idea. But the old man was firm. I want to go to an old age home was his strident call.
In retrospect, becoming wiser after the event, I realize our objections & efforts to convince him not to go were misdirected. In the interim period I have seen many senior couples openly discussing this option with their grown up children. Children are working/living abroad or stationed far away with their own challenges in being able to extricate themselves from their routine. So the oldies are left to fend for themselves or rely on family friends or distant relatives who happen to live in the same town. Progressively the ability of such tertiary contacts to support starts drying up; & we are back to square 1. In such cases it is common to hear about the seniors themselves deciding to check themselves in to Senior Assisted Living (modern euphemism for Old age homes).
The builders’ lobby are now seeing this as a growing market with discretionary income increasing both of the seniors & their children. Excellent facilities now dot all the holiday locations like Goa, Coimbatore, Coorg, Panchgani, Khandala & the like where the modern, well appointed alternatives for assisted living are coming up. These places boast of all the facilities one can dream of: Doctor on call, full time Nurses, Canteens which are more like restaurants, Heated swimming pools, Ambulance on call, Gym, Library, Laundry, House cleaning services, weekly shopping trips, tie up with hospitals, all indoor-game tables, Meditation halls etc. Most of these are located in pollution free environs & have on-roll professionally trained care-givers. The more luxurious the facility the lesser the guilt for the children earning in dollars; whose only constraint is giving time. Here is an option where you know your parent will be looked after well, possibly much more professionally & better than if they had to fend for themselves or worse be dependent on some distant relative/family friend.
The biggest USP these Vruddhashrams’ offer is companionship of like-minded, similar aged people who are travelling the same path & have common issues/problems. And the importance of this “sailing in same boat, & with similar experiences & issues” just cannot be underestimated. However much you love your parent, there is a “generation gap” separating you two. Possibly, at that stage, this gap gets exacerbated. Conversely in the old age home, the parent finds himself in like-minded, similarly placed “company” & that companionship is possibly his/her most important need, at that time. Possibly I will be accused of blasphemy but I venture to say the old parent may actually be happier in the old age home, transforming the Vruddhashram to an Anandashram, a happy home.
In these homes, there is space/privacy & yet there is companionship. Some of the other clear wins over traditional homes are: Safety & care, a sine qua non. Regular timely attention ensures no one forgets their medicine dosage. Periodic monitoring of diabetes and/or BP. Emergency medical help is available immediately when required which with the regular health check-ups helps better health management. A big mental safety net & support of like minded people which boosts confidence, as well as, the will to live. Many facilities run hobby centers encouraging craft & art. Besides creativity, this also supports networking & social interaction. Residents do not feel lonely or alienated, emphasizing positivity & good health, both mental as well as physical. Finally, in a curious twist, old age homes may give more control on their personal life to the golden oldies. They can truly experience individual freedom, sans responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, etc. All pedestrian needs are taken care of & they are free to participate in any social, religious or cultural activities of their choice. All this adds to the happiness index & consequently better health, mental & physical.
I am sure you have now understood why I call these as Anand Ashram rather than Vruddhashrams. I end with a plea. Pl learn from our experience & let us change our mindset around assisted living for seniors. We should encourage this option so that the seniors as well as the families can be happier: vikas
PS1 Baba died 6 weeks after Aai with the refrain of मी एकटा राहिलो (I am alone) on his lips. He had no physical ailment. Just gave up his will to live without his wife. Question which will dog me till I die: would he have been happier in an Anandashram?? & lived longer???
PS2 A close friend Nitin Charekar is actively associated with Ashtha Foundation, Aurangabad. This blog owes a lot to him
Vikasblog 
The thought that struck me was in sometime from now, we ourselves will be in a situation of having to choose such an option!
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Very True HrUshi
we must be prepared for it
and finish the dialogues & discussion with family soon enough
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You have described the need for such Anandashrams very well. However still there is a ‘Stigma’ attached when someone moves to Anandashram. Even if parent/s want to move to Anandashram without any prejudice, the near and dear ones dont take it positively. Times will change.
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Sathe kaka
I agree even today there is lot of ” stigma” surrounding this move. But I believe we need to challenge it. That was the main purpose of this blog.Families need to understand and support the seniors’ own desires and plans.
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Hi VS:
A very touching story indeed!
The subject you have described so well reflects the situation at innumerable homes today.
I have also had occasions to visit a few Old Age Homes (OAH). When I recall the joyous faces of the residents, enjoying the company of their contemporaries, I feel the name you have coined (“Anand Ashram”) is very apt.
The mental dilemma that we face while considering an old age home for the elderly reflects the uniqueness of our culture vs a vs that of the west. Over there, such decision would be automatic. Our family values and the tradition of respect for age are the distinct features we are proud of. Still , the individual comfort and more importantly the bonhomie that a parent can get at a well functioning OAH can ensure that our respect for the elderly and his/her wellbeing are not compromised by placing him/her over there.
There are many parents who may get offended by even a suggestion of being shifted to an OAH . Your Baba was well above that kind of fragility!!
Thanks ,VS for sharing such a sensitive personal story , to flag an issue that many are struggling with.
Soon, a time will come for our age group to look for some such Anand Ashram!
Your research on the subject will provide a valuable guidance!
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Many many thanks JL for your kind words. I agree the time has come for us to look at this option dispassionately. Networking with similarly placed people n basic facilities all taken care of is a huge plus plus.
To ensure the loneliness and sense of being cut off does not creep in regular family visits should be encouraged. I know of some Anan̈d Ashrams who actually have rooms for visiting relatives to stay. That will make both seniors as well as familes easier to adjust
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asha
the attraction of near n dear ones ezp the grandchildren will always remain
it is a difficult call to cut off n go to a new place
but i genuinely believe it is in best interest of sll
our children will never adk us to go
but we need to understand that we may be cramping their style and also compromising on our freedom
i have a friend who moved to an old age home n said both he n his wife are happy as the wife can put on Tzv on high volume n watch what she wants
he likes the freedom of inviting his friends without asking for son or DiL permission
they always felt their presence was putting a constraint on the son n his family life. But in true Indian style they never complsined but the parents realised n felt better to move out
all are happy now n children n grandchildren visit 2 3 times a month
finally all have to find their own solution
my limitefbpoint is dont rule it out ab initio
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sire many many thanks for your most kind words
yes it is an emotion laden subject also because ifvhow we aindians akways guve heartvthe prominence over our head
but i really wanted to challenge the negative valence around Vrudhashams n project it as Anandashrams as the world has chsnged
children compulsions, seniors needs n desires, great facilities all external things
main thingvwe need to resolve is thevQ insude
so good that you did aatma manthan
take care n stay well
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Dear Vikas
I am clear in mind like you and your sisters – we need to take care of our parents till they live irrespective of the age with the assistance of helpers if needed. This also gives a sense of satisfaction and contentment to the parents that their children have done their duty. But If the children are abroad then the only solution is to house the parents in a nice old age home to take care of all their needs. My brother & self taken care of my father who lived 96 years and my mother who is 92 who is living with me now in Mumbai. Regards. K B R Swamy
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swamy while innprinciple ivagree it is exactly this sort of ” firm” vuews i am trying to chsllenge in this blog. Despite being clear that the parent is fully welcome in the children’ home if a parent still wants to move to an Anandashram there is nothing wrong or it need not stteact any stigma. That is my msin thesis
companionship, facilities, infrastructure, a control over their iwn lives are all very genuine. They supported us in our childhood Now is our time to understand what they genuinely want and support that decision….even if we dont like it
hope you understand where i am coming from. We will slways be there as children. But they may have a diffrent need at that time is what i am saying
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Very well penned indeed! I completely agree with the sentiment.
Emotion and ego should not come in between relationships; they need to be handled with practicality. In general, it’s not just time, schedule or empathy that prevents people from taking taking care of their seniors. The uncertainty of employment, health and life in the middle aged, and modern life stresses, does not make it possible for them to fend for their elderly. They do require, and deserve, round the clock care. Sometimes distance plays a role too.
The population is generally aging, and increasingly the number of kids in the next generation is 1 or none. Therefore the reliance on such old age homes is on the rise. The quality of such facilities will benefit from the investment in them. They are definitely worth considering without guilt.
As for you, please do not dwell in regret. It’s a wasted emotional. Onward and upward!
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Nilu
many thanks for your supporting post
. I think we need to see this from a practical angle and also in terms of the seniors needs n desires. My intention was to use my fathers example n challenge the current negativity shrouding this subject n present it as a viable option.
From all the responses i am getting a positive vibe. Of course it will be difficult to take roots
as re my guilt i must say i love to wallow in misery. So to some extent i retain some pet peeves. That is how i am. So onwards yes but history ko saath leke
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Very well penned indeed! I completely agree with the sentiment.
Emotion and ego should not come in between relationships; they need to be handled with practicality. In general, it’s not just time, schedule or empathy that prevents people from taking taking care of their seniors. The uncertainty of employment, health and life in the middle aged, and modern life stresses, does not make it possible for them to fend for their elderly. They do require, and deserve, round the clock care. Sometimes distance plays a role too.
The population is generally aging, and increasingly the number of kids in the next generation is 1 or none. Therefore the reliance on such old age homes is on the rise. The quality of such facilities will benefit from the investment in them. They are definitely worth considering without guilt.
As for you, please do not dwell in regret. It’s a wasted emotional. Onward and upward!
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nilu tried to delete as it is duplicate
but that tech skill is beyond me
so leaving it intact
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Anandashram
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asha looks like dome typing issue
only one word appears
but it is imp
it is indeed Anandashram
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sorry found your detailed comment else where
will reply
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Absolutely right Vikas, every good child goes through this dilemma Parents feel lonely at home especially after one of the two leaves for heavenly abode. One more thing they think about their children’s freedom. My mother in law was with me but my wife and she insisted for an anandashram and she was too happy there,being with same age people. In the beginning we felt too bad but when we used to meet her she was looking too happy and enjoying. We used to bring her on festivals and once in a week at home,but she was eager to go back. And yes now a days these places are five star
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Shekhar thanks for sharing your personal experience Yes today the facilities are top class, if you have money. And the assisted living does have many positives. Companionship and networking being just one. If there is a medical emergency, how many of us have Ambulance and Hospital contacts readily available on our phone? the search will start then.
My main purpose in using Baba’s example was to try and shake the negativity surrounding this subject We all know people who are happy at home. And we also know people who are happy in Old Age homes. Finally no one size fits all. Every solution is different. My only plea is talk openly and be ready
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vikas sir, with this article you have out done yourself…. Just brillant, from the heart and posing questions which comes in everyone’s life and no one dares to confront them…
I couldn’t complete reading in one go… The emotions were overwhelming…
Atmamanthan ke liye majboor kar diya….
My salutes
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Really heart touching blog shirodhkar sahab. Realities of life when one partner is left alone he needs friends even if the family is doing their best for taking care. So vrrudhashrams rightly named as Anandashram may be just the right medicine.
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Anita ji Many many thanks for your open endorsement of the Anand Ashram concept. The loneliness of losing a partner is one thing which can certainly be overcome. Also think about parents staying with their children After all is said and done it is an imposition of both families to a smaller or larger extent. If the parents are staying with all medical and admin support, their life style can be very different. Music, Walks, Games, Entertaining ….all can be on their terms and wishes and not dependent on the agenda of others. They get back control of their life and can live as they wish
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Parents in old age become functionally challenged to perform the daily chores and need support at physical level through 24 hours which does not seem feasible with son and daughter in law as a working couple. In that perspective Anand Ashram is a very practical solution. However, once the physical support is rendered, the parents’ eyes in silent demand, look for emotional support which no employee of any Ashram can give. On the balance, it is an issue of individual choice dependent on various inter-related factors and as such there cannot be an one-fit solution.
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Dear Vikas Shirodkar, Really very nice to hear from you. However the end disappoints me.
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NV if it left you disappointed, I have erred
My intention is to challenge the negative impression surrounding old age homes
and make a case that they are a viable alternative in today’s times
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Actually Vikasji- my family has all sorts of individuals. Me and my elder brother looked after our elderly parents till they attained lotus feet of the lord within 19 days of each other. However I have an aunt who has moved to Nani homes in Coimbatore. The facility is excellent all the needs are catered for. A few other elders have also moved in there. So I have amixed bag of experiences.
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I understand NV There is no one size fits all here. Every individual, every family is different. I am only saying think of this as a viable and practical option. Don’t shut the door without evaluating the pros & cons
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This is such an important topic in today’s world! Practical challenges force children to stay away from parents, but worry of social stigma and lack of good facilities force the parents to tag along with children, or love all alone or with relatives. In the process, they lose their independence and ability to be around like minded people of their age. Very well articulated sir.
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AR you hit the nail on the head We need to move away from the negative imagery. An old age home is still a home and it does have some distinct advantages that I have tried to elucidate
It is similar to putting children in a creche, when the mother is working or requires support
Old Age Homes need to seen as Creches for the seniors
with all the modern facilities and companionship & networking possibilities, it is no longer a dingy prison cell, but rather a different life style which can help the senior as well as the family
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Dear Vikas Sir,
I just read your blog on “Not Vruddhashram, but Anandashram,” and it was truly heartwarming. Your reflections on your father and the way you’ve highlighted the importance of dignity, happiness, and care for elders are deeply moving. It is inspiring to see how you’ve redefined the concept of aging—not as a phase of dependency, but as one of joy and fulfillment.
Your words serve as a powerful reminder that a nurturing environment and emotional support can make all the difference in the lives of our elders.
Thank you for sharing such a touching and insightful perspective.
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Yatin bhai Many thanks for your comment. Since it is about our close relatives who have been a significant part of our growing up, any decision here gets enmeshed with strong emotions. In the past we all stayed in joint families and there was more than enough bandwidth to take care of the “outliers” Every family had someone who required special attention and it was all managed. With nuclear families that support system had crumbled Fortunately external support and help is now available although at a price. Many of us have paralytic older relatives who need nursing support, sometimes 24 hours. All that is possible now Fact is average life expectancy is increasing so we will have to go through such challenges. My blog is just a plea to be open to alternatives and be ready to think differently
New situations require novel solutions
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Well articulated and very interestingly put, giving proper examples. The need to go to an anandashram, also stems from the general feeling of being unwanted by a family, or a guilt that the younger ones have to adjust their life around ‘me’ and eventually the guilt is transferred to the younger lot, because they just cannot give time, given schedules etc. Sadly the stigma adds to it become a vicious circle of ‘guilt’ and everyone being unhappy. A practical approach would suggest, ‘vanaprastaashram’ Just hand over the reins to the next gen, but that too is not as absolute. So while the practical mind would think, ‘best idea ever’, the emotional part would say, ‘wouldn’t it be better if s/he died staying amongst those who love them.
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Amu many thanks for your comments. you have beautifully captured the vicious circle that forms of increasing demands. guilt of non-fulfilment and social stigma. I feel we need some radically different thinking. First and foremost accept that this is way the cookie will crumble. Be prepared and don’t make it an ego issue. Be practical. Search for and accept alternatives. Unemotionally.
To me the challenge is how do we convert the vicious circle to a virtuous circle. Individual needs are met. Practicality overshadows emotional outbursts Accept the lay of the land and don’t make ego issues about it. If there is genuine love and understanding amongst all people involved. I feel it will never go downwards. It is finally an issue to be resolved. Keeping the best interests of all parties in mind. If there is trust and faith why would there be negativity. I may be romantic, but I do believe Love conquers all
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very well articulated the experience which many Sr citizens are going through… Now that we r in that range, my thoughts are almost same coz it is we parents who supported children either to go abroad or any other place within country.. So when time comes to live without them it looks tough…
at such stage of life, it is happier to stay amongst people of same age & experience👍🏾.. As u rightly said now there r 3*/5* or even executive class Sr Homes… We both have visited 3/4 of them & really felt they r definitely worth😃…
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